Client: WorldVillage.com
Let’s stop for a minute to think about all of the things we are accustomed to eating straight from a can: sardines.. spaghettios.. tunafish (though they have bags for that now).. artichokes.. spam…
Now I wonder who over at Trek’n Eat thought, “when I am out in the rugged outdoors, surrounded by crisp leaves, fresh water droplets, wildlife and covered in perspiration from exercise… what I really want is a sodium-blasted cheeseburger that questionably requires NO refrigeration.”
Says mad scientist, “HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN?” Co-brilliant colleague says “Cheeseburger in a can!”
“But can we DO that”? Asks mad scientist. “Just throw the can in some hot water and you’ve got yourself some luke-warm McDonalds?” “This is JUST what every health-nut hiker and rock climber needs!” replies co-brilliant colleague, enthusiastically.
Suddenly nervous, co-brilliant colleague inquires, “but what to do about the.. you know.. after-effects that come with eating… you know… think White Castle! These folks will be in the woods..”
“Do now, think later!” proclaims mad scientist.
And thus the $6 Cheeseburger in a can was created. The fine caviar of the wilderness.
Now there is one perfectly original thing you can do with a canned cheeseburger and here it is:
1. EAT IT!
While I don’t expect any burgergasms to come out of this product, according to the instructions, all you do is: “heat the can in a water bath, open the lid, and enjoy your delicious cheeseburger!” So, assuming you’re in the woods… light a fire, heave up the cauldron and get that water bubbling! My guess is that laziness will eventually ensue and someone’s going to get a case of cold, canned cheeseburger. On the upside, who wants their lettuce and tomatoes hot anyway?
2. GIFT IT!
I’ll tell you what, as a burger lover, I would be ecstatic to receive a canned cheeseburger. Not to eat, but simply to look at and admire. Maybe thoughtfully ponder what it would be like to ingest a cheeseburger from a can, but more likely it’d be proudly displayed on a shelf until a less than sober evening arrived where canned burger sounded like OMGTHEBESTTHINGEVERRIGHTNOW!
Good news: the canned burger has a shelf life of twelve months without requiring refrigeration.
3. CACHE IT!
Ever heard of geocaching? If you haven’t, you’re missing out. So picture this.. all over the world, people have hidden boxes of little treasures, toys, coins, etc. They plot the GPS coordinates and leave clues on geocaching.com. Every “cache” comes with a notebook. When you find a cache, you leave your name and date, and also record it on the site. So from the cache you get to take something, but you also have to leave something.
So picture this. You arrive, famished, at the top of a large hill, in the middle of the woods. And hidden in the crack of a large gray rock is the cache you spent two hours fruitlessly scavenging for. Then POW, the contents inside BLOW YOUR DAMN MIND. Some magnificent geocacher has left you CHEESEBURGER IN A CAN! Forget those cheese nips in your pocket, flick your Bic and get cookin!
4. PLAY GAMES WITH IT!
You got it. Anything in a can can be used for entertainment. Kick the can, spin the cheeseburger, truth or dare, add a few wheels and you’ve even got yourself a new street hockey puck. Honestly I’d love to take one out back, and do like they do in those movies where you take a shotgun and just POW, knock ‘em out. In my imagination, puffs of bread and ketchup come shooting out the sides like clouds of canned awesome. The someone runs at the can in slow motion with a convincing “nooooooo…” picking up the guts and cradling the tiny cheeseburger in his arms.
5. GET A TATTOO OF IT!
Listen, people were getting the logo from “Snakes on a Plane” tattooed on their arms MONTHS before the movie even hit the big screen. There’s no reason that Cheeseburger in a Can can’t be referred to from here on out, as a pop culture product that deserves some human real estate to be remembered for years to come.
6. DRINK IT!
Hear me out. So maybe the idea of chomping into a canned cheeseburger gives you the jitters. But what if we take away the look and smell, and we blend it. Maybe not “Will it Blend” style, because I’m pretty sure that WOULD cause splinters in your behind, but ok… heat it up, throw it in the blender, add a little more ketchup and mustard, and you’ve got yourself a burger smoothie.
7. CLASS IT UP!
So you’re at the top of the mountain. You made it. You’re overlooking the world below and it’s time for a cheeseburger. But wait. Break open the water bottle and pour in POWDERED WINE IN A BAG! According the innovative geniuses over at Trek’n Eat, the wine powder has an alcoholic content of 8,2%, which is similar to a light bottled wine.
So let’s cook up some ideas for Trek’n Eat. They’re clearly on the cusp of traveling food innovation, but I have a few special requests: Garden Burger in a Can. Fruit Loops with Milk in a can. Filet Mignon in a can (to go especially well with the powdered wine). Creme Brulee in a can. Small Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee, Extra Extra in a can.
What are your ideas? Have you tried this canned cheeseburger? Would you want to?